For the last three or four months I’ve been meaning to sit down and write about some of the things that have been going through my head knowing that I have a baby on the way. Everyone says my world is about change, so for posterity’s sake (and my own) I wanted to be able to reference pre and post Daddy Douglas. With less than 24 hours before we are scheduled to go to delivery the time to get these thoughts down is now or never.
I’ve been afraid to have kids. I know I’m going to be a good Dad. There isn’t a doubt in my mind that I will love them and make them laugh and I want all the happiness that comes along with loving something that’s your own. All of the basics of parenting I’m ready for and even if I’m not I know I’ll figure it out because I had good parents and grandparents to mold myself after, my wife is awesome, and at the end of the day there is no choice but to figure it out.
The thing that has always made me afraid is the thought that I’ll have to leave them when they are still kids. I’m sure there is some sort of psychological term associated with kids who have lost a parent at a young age and can’t imagine living longer than their parent did, and whatever that term is I have it. I’ve mentioned before that my Mom only made it to 38. Being only a few months short of 36 I feel panicked when I start thinking about that. And really it’s been that way since I turned 30. I feel pressure to get everything done as quickly as possible because I’ve never banked on having all the time I wanted. But rather than letting that anxiety drive me towards actually getting things done I usually just stand still holding my breath. Things can’t come to an end if you’ve never started them, right? Well, I hate thinking like that and the last thing I want is to let fear dictate my decisions.
As fearful as I’ve been to take this step in my life, I’m excited to be a Dad. As a kid I can remember thinking that all I wanted to do when I grew up was make people laugh and until now I don’t think I ever knew how I could do that . I was never going to do it on stage as a comedian or in the movies as an actor, but I’ve always been able to do it at home with my family. And while I might want a million things for my kid when you boil it all down if you’re laughing with someone you care about everything else is already in place. That’s what I think about when I think about me in the future. If I’m laying on the floor building legos, I’m laughing. If I’m throwing a ball, I’m laughing. When they act just like me and whine and complain when things aren’t going their way, I’m going to whine and complain that things aren’t going my way and then find myself laughing. And the thought of that isn’t so scary at all.